Since I've been a mom for almost a whole month now, I'm officially considered an expert parent. (Disclaimer: no one considers me an expert parent) Because of that, everyone asks me questions about how to be a great mom (Disclaimer: no one has asked me questions about being a mom) and I've decided to answer them. You're welcome, world.
Question: My baby is fussy, what do I do?
Answer: Hold her like a sack of potatoes while wearing one earring like a pirate because you were afraid your ear holes would close but forgot to put the second earring in. Then take a selfie to commemorate your awesome momness.
|#jacksparrow #nohairdon'tcare #momlife|
Answer: I have no idea. If you know, please tell me because I've been pooped on three times while putting on Desitin (which, by the way, I will probably smell like for the rest of my life....Desitin, not poop. Just to clarify.)
Question: My 3 week old baby just smiled at me!! Is it because she knows I'm her mommy, or is it just gas?
Answer: It's gas. It's always gas, you beautiful blurry blob, you.
Question: Why do new moms always look so frazzled? Run a brush through your hair already!
Answer: Because between the squirt bottles, dermaplast, Tucks, and pads, just going to the bathroom is like a 15 minute event. And you'll have to go like 100 times a day. Do the math. There goes my hair, makeup, & finding a matching outfit time...and then some. Honestly, you're just lucky I brushed my teeth and put on pants.
Question: How did you compile all these useful tips and beauty advice from only one month?? I can't believe it!
Answer: Believe it. I'm just that good.