Saturday, January 18, 2014

Q&A with a Professional Mom

Well it's official...I'm definitely not pregnant anymore.  I know this because I ate two whole fillets of tilapia without gagging or holding my breath and bananas are super gross again.  All is right with the world, also would someone like all these extra bananas?

Since I've been a mom for almost a whole month now, I'm officially considered an expert parent. (Disclaimer: no one considers me an expert parent)  Because of that, everyone asks me questions about how to be a great mom (Disclaimer: no one has asked me questions about being a mom) and I've decided to answer them.  You're welcome, world.

Question:  My baby is fussy, what do I do?
Answer:  Hold her like a sack of potatoes while wearing one earring like a pirate because you were afraid your ear holes would close but forgot to put the second earring in.  Then take a selfie to commemorate your awesome momness.
#jacksparrow #nohairdon'tcare #momlife
Question:  My baby is making noises, but I need to change her diaper.  How do I know if she's trying to poop or just making random noises?
Answer:  I have no idea.  If you know, please tell me because I've been pooped on three times while putting on Desitin (which, by the way, I will probably smell like for the rest of my life....Desitin, not poop. Just to clarify.)

Question: My 3 week old baby just smiled at me!!  Is it because she knows I'm her mommy, or is it just gas?
Answer:  It's gas.  It's always gas, you beautiful blurry blob, you.

Question:  Why do new moms always look so frazzled?  Run a brush through your hair already!
Answer:  Because between the squirt bottles, dermaplast, Tucks, and pads, just going to the bathroom is like a 15 minute event.  And you'll have to go like 100 times a day.  Do the math.  There goes my hair, makeup, & finding a matching outfit time...and then some.  Honestly, you're just lucky I brushed my teeth and put on pants.

Question:  How did you compile all these useful tips and beauty advice from only one month??  I can't believe it!

Answer:  Believe it.  I'm just that good.

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